I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
