They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
