so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
