Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want a musical about memes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
