My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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