Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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