My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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