If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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