my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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