Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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