Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
