every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
