Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
