I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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