I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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