Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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