my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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