So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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