There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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