she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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