She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
