We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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