Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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