You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
