I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
