my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was not drunk enough for that final.