Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"