Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
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Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER