you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
