I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
