also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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