I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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