Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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