I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
