She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
