These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
