wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
