I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
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I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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