I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
