The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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