THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
