i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
