My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
