My friends, they love my intelligence
I looked at my own cervix.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
