i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
