if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
