go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
