I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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