Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
