Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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