I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
