Soap is not a condiment
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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