I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
