just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
