id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
