Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
