One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
