i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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