Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
