I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
