Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
