I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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